woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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