Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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