Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
pray to the hookup gods
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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