I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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