dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
