i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
