Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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