My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
