I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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