Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
