never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
