***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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