I'm gonna have a badass scar
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize