I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
