there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
