So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
