I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize