He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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