you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I need moral support for this bender
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just high enough for therapy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
