did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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