If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
