u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
