we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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