I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
