I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
