I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
