I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
