Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize