I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
