Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
