No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
