Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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