My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
