When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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