A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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