My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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