***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
