when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
