dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
and she was petting her beer can
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Randomize
