Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I need to calm my uterus...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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