I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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