How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
