Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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