Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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