I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
