The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she smelled like a LAN party
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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