I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I've blown a few things in my day
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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