Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
