Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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