my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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