You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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