the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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