and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
