I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
