I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
foreskin is a definite game changer
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
