I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
