I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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