I want to walk on stilts...naked
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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