Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
