i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
