Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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