yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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