After last night, I could never be a politician.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
