The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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