Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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