Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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