Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
