I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize